Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: The Bitter Truth Is Out

The walls lay bare. In an impulsive act of moving on, several pints of paint were used to wash off two decades worth of memories. An empty room can do many things to the human mind but mostly it tells you what it was and what it could be. 

When she entered the room for the first time, she felt the difference. Now her memories would be differentiated into two phases. A phase she knew was going to be difficult. It's funny how the mind just makes up things for you to feel wrong about. For the longest time, you don't deal with it because you find excuses in your regular life.  Excuses reassure you and tell you it's okay. 

She is me. My undesirable want of having things be the same gets me into trouble, with myself and others. More often with myself because there is this lingering fear of uncertainty. I deal in distraction meaning I like to distract myself before it comes to a point that I can't take it anymore. Sometimes I get help in time, sometimes it's a bit too late and some unfortunate things have already happened. That's the bitter truth. Unfortunate things do happen. But do we stop there? No. 

Alienation of feelings comes next, thinking you're better off with someone else doing something else. My experience tells me otherwise. Feelings always catch up. And when they do, regrets are not far behind. I try to live without regrets but lately, I have accumulated a few. And that's okay. I have accepted the fact that I can have regrets but I don't let those regrets manifest into anything else. Especially not in what it could be? scenario. I choose things differently and I am content with making those decisions. That autonomy over my life helps me gain perspective. Sure I can be wrong and others can be too. 

Do I let that dictate my growth and potential? Certainly not. Calculated risks, new opportunities, and a fresh start, that's what I try to see in these bare walls. This room, I redid because I wanted something different. Of course, what's ahead scares me but we don't learn if nothing is ever new. 

I know I haven't written in the longest time, although I haven't stopped thinking about it one bit. My heart aches for this feeling, a feeling I get so naturally in words. I am not done yet, I am sure of that.