Romeo Out of Dreams

What have I done? An expected notion about my current state of life but realising it while staring the microwave glass seems odd. Actually, doesn’t seem odd at all, that’s what I have been doing. Eating packed cancer causing readymade food. Heating and reheating seemed like a biological process now. Slowly, as my dreadful life progresses, I will be reliving these very moments. The moments I let my life and myself slip away. Is there nothing that I can change? Screw it, you can’t Misha Jaiswal. And I hope you don’t even try because trying has always disappointed you. I can’t even look back for referrals; I was someone who I had not known. I was someone who tried. Time has passed, and it makes me miserable. Now, I have to get dressed, for my so called best friend’s reception. So called because he hates me now, the mere sight of me is taken as a sign of repugnance and repulsion.

4 months 12 days 17 hours and some horrible minutes ago...see how crazy I have become.

There are some situations in life that happen by chance or luck or whatever stupid thing you want to call it. But some situations have been forever known to us and we practice it when it’s approaching; like the first interview at school, when Mama tells us ‘Say Good morning to the teacher first’ or the first job interview ‘Sir, I wish to join your company for espousing a sense…’ followed by a string of English words he may or may not understand.

For me, this was just another bound to happen interview. The only difference was; I was hopelessly fantasizing about this boy. I hadn’t dated anyone in the past five years hoping that for maybe once I will do what’s best for me. So when my other best friend and darling sister got hold of her posh, beautiful and smart single friend, Ridhaan Singh. I have known him ever since my sister said ‘He is just a friend’.  My sister knew how much I liked him. From his name to his everything, I could help being a girl once I saw him. It was like when Ginny saw Harry, just that Ginny was less beautiful than I was. A pretty girl by most Delhi standards, I can tell because I know how many crazy people have tried to ask me for lunch, some even tried Ice-cream. That or maybe because I was spoilt rotten by doting parents who never taught me to be critical about myself. If there was anyone who did the job of keeping me grounded, it was my best friend, Purab. The only guy who confessed that he doesn’t like me for the girl I am but for the real person beneath. The confidence, the self esteem all went for crass when Purab said that I was wrong. He made a likeable human being because I considered my flaws just with him. But in between I had a monster, a monster that destroyed my being me. It took me five years to finally come properly terms with it (Ridhaan was single basically).

‘Just be yourself’ Purab’s last text to me read. To which I replied ‘Never’. I was myself with the monster and I had been emotionally drained for a long time. I waited for Ridhaan in a restaurant at Pandara Road. Finally, this was happening. I practiced my opening line, my middle flirts and all the bull crap I could gather from American movies. Ridhaan last I checked was a cool fellow, he could cheer a crowd in the darkest hour and had a striking, unmatchable personality. Just when he entered. He looked so haggard like not shaven for a month, eyes swollen as if just cried but still handsome (I think it was a biased opinion then) I looked at myself, dressed in colour from head to toe. Nobody informed me that someone had died. Oh wait, nobody died. He was just getting over a bad breakup. I forgot this was more of a counselling session than a date (That’s what I do. I am a doctor in psychological disorders and behavioural sciences i.e. nothing I look like). Not that I have had good cases at work, my degree sounds fancy but my job actually is to make sure that people in my company are happy! And I get paid handsomely for it.

Ridhaan was sporting an au natural look, if I say rather optimistically. He spoke up eventually and forty five minutes gone, I knew everything about him and Suyani, his ex-evil-girlfriend, cheated on him. Now, how come a bitch gets to cheat on a guy like Ridhaan? I think I came to know about that eventually. Anyway, I didn’t do anything of my professional skills, he never needed it. He just needed a listener. In the midst of all this, my message tone beeped. Something I had known for long but why the hell this frickin moment?!

‘She said yes’ read Purab’s message. Sure, he had to pop the bloody question to Urmi while I was at the most important date of my life (it seemed so then). I was happy for him, actually happier for Urmi, otherwise her eggs had to be stored. A joke we often cracked, Urmi was three years elder to Purab, almost my sister’s age. But my sister already got married and had a beautiful baby girl, Vani.

 So nevertheless, first date wasn’t as bad because we met almost fifty times after that. We were dating of course, a fact that I thought was going to enjoy. But Ridhaan started to show his true colours after the 51^st date. How did he manage that? I wonder. Now, to make things work, I started a game of pretence, I pretended that I saw the man he never was. He was a cynic. A hell bent cynic and I was too bloody optimistic for him. He always told me he liked me for the positivity I possessed but slowly, slowly things went low. I had become a cynic myself. Now, two cynics in the same boat, it’s more trouble than Draco and Hermione together. From whom I thought to be a fun loving fellow had become the man I hate and love (I am sure if I can’t use this word anymore).

Troubles started henceforth, with my work, my family and of course Purab. He was dealing with his own crisis of convincing his parents for Urmi, they often told him ‘Misha jaise koi kyu nahi mili?’ . But I knew exactly why he couldn’t find someone like Misha because Misha didn’t exist anymore. I suffered and so did my relations. Then finally, all of us lost it; Ridhaan, Purab and I. Ridhaan broke up with me on grounds of some really petty claims. I retaliated in an uncivilised manner, actually slapped him and broke his phone. He sent me the bill next morning, which I settled considering Jaiswals don’t do all this. I vented my anger on Purab who called me “cynic” “insufferable” “arrogant” “selfish”, basically all the words used to wound your ego.  Urmi comforted me by saying that she was on my side which broke an argument between Purab and Urmi, obviously that didn’t last long and I never wanted it to. Purab and I didn’t talk and still haven’t while I stare at my brand new Shanatanu-Nikhil dress which I bought with Ridhaan during our happy days, also when we made out fabulously that night. Gross, it sounds now.  

I got dressed and stared at the message Purab sent me last night which actually sounded more like what my best friend would, my best friend. What I weird position is someone’s life;

Misha,

Please, I am really sorry. I want you to come, Urmi wants you to come. It would be not complete without you.

If you don’t I would never be able to go through with this friendship. Yes, I am black mailing you. And don’t forget you spent 25000 on that dress. More than what Urmi spent on hers. And I really want the most beautiful girl standing next to me. And of course you too! Please, swear on Vani!

Obviously I went, couldn’t waste the dress and Vani was forever a weakness. Purab was relieved to see me and I was happy to see him. Things ended well. While I ate the caterer’s food which was too damn delicious (ate extra five Rasgullas) came Purab’s younger brother, Suraj. Sometime back Purab told me Suraj liked me and honestly, he was such a cute guy (three years younger). He and I talked, for the first time properly. I could see myself flirting. Something made me happy, and it was definitely nice after so long.

It’s not important that what you think is best, is the best. Sometimes, the stupid forces around you do something or the other to make your life or to break your life. You just need to make sure that you chose the force you want to be.